More “Reasons” Soccer Sucks

Just now, I happened to come across a website that recently posted an article with the same old generic soccer hate-speech we’ve seen over and over again. The reason I decided to write on it was because one of my goals is to expose the rehashed nonsense that people continue to dish out in opposition of the game so many enjoy. If I’m successful, my hopes are that one day the American sporting society can broaden their horizons, and accept the fact that there’s a chance interesting un-American hobbies exist.

And anyways, I’m a sucker for ignorance.

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David Beckham rolled into town this weekend, and whoop de freaking doo. So the dude used to be the best soccer player in the world, and now he plays in the MLS. That’s like Barry Bonds going to play professional baseball in Mexico right now. Except unlike Beckham, we have a feeling Bonds would still be pretty good.

First of all, I don’t know if many soccer minds would consider David Beckham to have been the world’s best player. I will admit though, he definitely belongs in the conversation. Secondly, Barry Bonds? Barry cheated. Let’s focus on comparisons that exist on an equal level. Furthermore, we all know Barry’s joints are a swing away from calling it quits. In the future, the only activities Barry would be doing in Mexico will involve swimming pools and burritos. That’s what taking shortcuts does for you.

David Beckham achieved his success from hard work and love for the game. It just so happens his apparent good looks and celebrity status allowed him to perform on such a stage.

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The Galaxy had disposable income, apparently, to the tune of $250 million — somewhere way beyond what we guess is the operating budget for the rest of the MLS.

Quite the business aficionado I see. Anybody doing even the slightest bit of research will find out that the Galaxy aren’t paying anywhere near $250 million. That number was inflated to influence the masses and create hysteria about the topic. Judging from your response, it seemed to have worked. That $250 million is comprised of various endorsement deals and ticket/jersey income.

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But hey, since nothing ever happens on the field, soccer fans can focus on the best and most important thing involved in watching soccer: heavy alcohol consumption.

If you’re ever in the Oakland area, I’de suggest popping over to a Raider’s game. Great example of how to drink responsibly. Bring your kids too, it’s a wonderful family atmosphere.

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And now, some of Nooner’s educated suggestions for improving the game of soccer.

Make the goals way bigger and the field way smaller.

You’re taking away the very essence of the game by doing this. A 50 yd pass that lands on a dime, regardless of final outcome, is one of my favorite aspects of soccer.

Follow the NBA’s lead and eliminate defense entirely.

I actually have to give it to you, this statement has subtle truth. The NBA virtually eliminated defense throughout the league to make it more appealing to numbers-obsessed Americans. Very intelligent business move if I say so myself. Unfortunately, real soccer enthusiasts appreciate the art of defending. A lost art in the States, really…

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Rant

Look, everyone will always have varying opinions on certain subjects. My goal is not to force my interest in soccer upon Americans — who socially and culturally will have a hard time taking interest anyway. My goal is to offer soccer in a way that Americans can possibly relate to. I know the task is achievable, because I’m living proof that an American can appreciate the game.

Many hold the belief that soccer is boring simply because a lot of people happen to think that way as well. And that’s okay, because our society operates around this particular ideology on a number of subjects. I’de be a fool if I were to assume the U.S. can get involved with soccer as much as other countries are. Not a whole lot of economic room available at the time. But, this sort of trash I keep reading containing arrogant complaints is really starting to make me sick. If your like this dude, I suggest actually watching the U.S. play in the Olympics a few times, and make your own judgments. Go into it with as much of an unbiased mind as you can. If you have to, support American Soccer just because it’s American.

More on Why Soccer Sucks here.